I often struggle with not feeling "Christian enough." This is because my track record is shocking. Because I am too loud. Too open. Too honest. Too direct. I wear bikinis. I publicly admit that I like mimosas. And if provoked while PMSing, I would most certainly knock someone out.
But, hear this: I LOVE GOD PASSIONATELY. My goal is to know Him. And while doing that, I want to serve others and live life to the fullest.
The study of God's Word is paramount to knowing Him. For the last five years, I've wanted to do an in-depth study of the Bible. I knew this was a possibility when I found out that short-term programs were available to those who wanted to study and understand Scriptures. However, I never thought that I would have the time nor the finance to do something like this. So, I put this dream away.
About two years ago, the idea of going to Bible school came back to me. It was so out of the blue. The last time I'd thought about it was when I lived in Kansas City-ish and frequented IHOP (International House of Prayer). Back then, I was a full-time volunteer on a Charity Worker visa. This meant that I couldn't be paid. I received monthly stipends, but everything I got, I spent.
When the idea came for the second time, it came with possibility. This time I had enough money to pay for my tuition, and I had a full-time job I could do from anywhere in the world. It was the perfect time to chase this dream.
I prayed over this possibility for a few days, asking God for guidance. I waited for the familiar sense of peace I usually feel before doing something big (if that is what I'm supposed to do). Then, when I didn't feel uneasy about potentially having to leave home again, I filled out the forms and hit "send," applying for a place at Hillsong College in Sydney, Australia.
I thought that the application process would be straightforward, but it wasn't. The process took about a year when it should have been a month. (I had to be at a church for 12 months before I could get a pastoral reference, and they could not accept one from my previous church leaders.)
To me, Hillsong College was la crème de la crème when it came to discipleship programs. I imagined that hundreds of people from all over the world were applying for the spot I so badly wanted. It felt like a competition and an honor. For that reason, I answered every awkward or intrusive question with honesty. At one point, it felt like I was trying to prove my sanity as I was asked to provide a sort of certificate of healing from past traumas. Still, I pushed through, knowing that transparency was healthy. After all, I remembered all too well how costly silence was.
A few days after I provided the only "proof of healing" I could supply–a synopsis of how I kept myself alive for the past 10 years–I received the email I'd been patiently waiting for.
"A big CONGRATULATIONS– you have been approved a Conditional Offer of Place to study at Hillsong College!"
I cried when I read those words. I opened the email and fell to my knees. Accepted. I had already spent a lot of time and money in the process. But the wait was finally over, sort of–I still had to apply for an Australian visa and find a plane ticket that was under $2,500.
But if God has brought me this far…
Securing a place at Hillsong College was an answered prayer. My knowledge will finally catch up to my zeal. I could not wait to sit in a classroom with passionate theologians and hungry students. I could not wait to be part of Chapel Nights and Sunday services. And I could not wait to pop over to Thailand and Cambodia on weekends.
BURY THE TRUTH AND KEEP THE POWER
Last month, I hit pause on this dream after I read the story of Anna Crenshaw, a former student at Hillsong College in Australia.
SIDE NOTE: Before writing this section, I contacted Anna and asked for her permission to use her name and story in this piece–she said yes.
I came across Anna's story just a few weeks ago while I was scrolling through Instagram. I wasn't even supposed to be on IG that day. I was going to delete the app for a couple of days, as I usually do when I want to focus on writing. But for some reason, the first thing I saw that day was the article on The Christian Post detailing Crenshaw's experience at Hillsong.
TRIGGER WARNING
"HOW SHE FOUGHT BACK AFTER ASSAULT BY HILLSONG CHURCH ADMINISTRATOR."
This was the title of the article circulating on Insta. I wasn't shocked. But I was appalled. Anna's statement read, "Jason [Mays] grabbed me, putting his hand between my legs and his head on my stomach and began kissing my stomach. I felt his arms and hands wrapped around my legs, making contact with my inner thigh, butt, and crotch..."
What ensued was as traumatic as the assault. Rather than holding the perpetrator accountable for his actions, the church suggested the assault was a "hug gone wrong." And three months after Anna had reported her assault to the church, Jason Mays' wife, Ashley Mays, was appointed as her leader. Ashley had no idea of what had happened–no one had informed her of her husband's actions.
I later learned that there were many more stories like Anna's. And unfortunately, most seem to have had the same goal: silence the victim, protect the perpetrator.
I can't begin to explain how devastated I was to learn that one of the most prominent churches today cared so little about truth and love, two of the things God calls Himself (John 4:8 & John 14:6).
"They've developed a habit of self-protection. And, I think, when it comes to dealing with somebody like my daughter who had an accusation against the son of Hillsong's top HR guy, and she reports it to the wife of Hillsong's chairman of the board … that they tend to slip into self-protection mode, and I think they are still in that," said Ed Crenshaw, Anna's father and senior pastor of a church in the U.S.
I got to the third paragraph in that article and knew that this wasn't the place for me. But I was unequivocally convinced within the hour after I read about a dozen other cases. These were cases not only of sexual abuse but stories that exposed spiritual abuse, discrimination, nepotism, manipulation, and ableism. But what pushed me to expedite my withdrawal was Brian Houston's response to Anna Crenshaw's story.
The founder and senior pastor of Hillsong Church replied to The Christian Post's tweet of the article with the following: "It's a sad story. A number of things in this article are factually wrong, but abuse is NEVER ok. My understanding is that Anna was originally abused in her father's church in Pennsylvania. That makes it sadder. Whether abuse happens in Pennsylvania or Australia, it's tragic."
Brian Houston shared delicate and confidential information that was not his to divulge. He then deleted the comment and tweeted an apology.
